The Process of Infidelity

Around this time 2 years ago, I was with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was married to this man for 3 years. I remember I was so thankful for the love that I had. I gave all my all faith to my partner and loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. And so I thought, he was The One. 

We had our wedding reception 2 years after we were married. Just weeks before our wedding reception, my partner made a poor and destructive decisions that breaks everything we had into pieces. He cheated on me with his coworker. He lied to me on his secret meetings and blamed me for being paranoid. It was a blurry lies and followed by a painful slow discovery that the person I admired and adored, wasn't the same person that I knew. 

Of all my previous postings, I purposely didn't mention the reasons I annulled my marriage because I needed some time to heal and to process my feelings before publishing this post. Neither would I want to make this seem like I'm doing it for a revenge. It has taken me a lot of courage to share this personal experience with you because I felt shamed on what happened. 

Yes, all of us knew everyone makes mistakes. It is not the mistakes that defines a person's character but the matter of how they react to it. Somehow, I hoped he would redeem himself. That he would be accountable for his actions, work for my forgiveness and try whatever he could to make things right. I hung on to the faith that he would step up be the man that I thought he was. But, he didn't. That was the most disappointing part of all. 

I was still living with him for the next 6 months after I found out he cheated on me. My health was deteriorated and I had lost 5 kilograms in matter of weeks. I experienced my first panic attack. In that period of depression, I was in such ultimate low where I was not rational nor I could see the end of my suffering. My mind was filled with destructive thoughts. It felt as the world had collapsed.

Regardless of the support from friends and family, I still felt terribly alone. To have your heart breached and wounded feels like there is dark clouds of misery which follows everywhere you go. It's still with you no matter how hard you try to distract yourself. Even in your sleep, you cannot escape and it haunts you in the form of nightmares. You feel trapped because there is nothing you could do to make it go away. During this time, I reached out to him for help. In his own pain, he didn't know how to handle me. Instead of responding with compassion and care, he had ignored me and I felt like an inconvenient bother. I watched the man that I loved, I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, treated me like I was nothing to him. As if one day I was the world to him and the next, I was simply irrelevant. 

Two years aftermath, I have worked very hard to pick up every little pieces of me. Turning my pain into inspiration to be stronger, smarter and wiser. I've come to an understanding that pain is only a temporary feeling. It's just like the feeling of hunger. When you feed, that feeling will be gone. There goes the same with pain. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and it is okay to break down and cry. You will begin to realize that moment of pain soon will be gone. 

I would still allow myself to feel whereby in the moments of sadness, confusion and anger creep upon me, I would break down in tears. These tears go way beyond the experience of betrayal and it stem down inside of me. That makes me wonder if I will ever be worthy of love from a man. 

Perhaps he wasn't capable of showing me the care I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at that time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope and cutting me off was the only solution he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I lived in denials during our relationship and I lived in a fantasy I created in my own head. I don't wish to paint him as bad person. Sure he is someone who did something bad but deep down in my heart, I knew his intention was not to hurt me. What has happened came from an unhealthy choice of mine and I have to take accountability to the fact that I attracted to him to my life in the very first place. 

I have no idea how he felt, what he thought or how he handle his pain and shame. I was one of the few people he let in his life and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him either. I'm pretty sure there are some deep-rooted issues of his own which caused him to make the decision he did. Although I am the one who was betrayed, there is a different sort of pain he has to dealt with - guilt. I'm not sure which is worse but likely that both are awful to experience and I doubt he would have the courage to share his part of story.

Feeling betrayed, is a dark place that could control your thoughts and behavior. In the process of dealing with the pain, I dehumanized him. I lost compassion and I forgot that his actions came from a place of his own darkness. I dismissed that he was trying his best to cope as he knew how. All the great memories, the times we laughed, the special moments have became blur in the bitterness. And that was shame, just because the ending was bad, it doesn't dilute the incredible moments we once shared and to look back only to see the bad ending was an unfortunate and a disservice to myself. 

The ego in me feels frustrated, two years later and I still feel the remnants of that heartbreak. Sometimes it comes in wave whereby I feel like I have made no progress at all. And sometimes I look and thankful that all this happened because I've grown so much from the experience. There are ups and downs, and I am proud to say there are more ups now. And slowly that real authentic love does exist is starting to return. 

It would be a lie to say I don't miss him. I am reminded of him often, from the food I eat, the places I visit, I pictured him there. Behind the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, there is still love and care that remains. That love will eventually fade, just like memories will and one day, so will the pain. I never felt him so alive and yet so dead at the same time. As if you are mourning for the dead because he wasn't available to me since then. That is how I classified the infidelity pain would be. 

When you feel pain and suffering, it is difficult to see the light or the how the experience fits into the bigger picture of things. Hitting such a low was not an easy feat, however I feel as if it helped me mature. I am healthier both physically and spiritually than I have ever been in my life and there's a lot of positive momentum in my career and self-growth. On and off, I've given myself permission to be vulnerable and have allowed myself to process the plethora of emotions and old wounds that were triggered from the event. 

I recalled some of darkest moments after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I was completely broken and I wanted him to fix me. Now, I realized I wasn't broken. I was just wounded. And those wound, though gentle care, eventually heal. I look back and think about that little girl, sobbing as if it was the end of world. I know now, the world was not ending, rather, it just had to hit a low in order for it get a lot better. And I did. 

These struggles which I experienced, I see it as an opportunity to heal and to grow. There is no growth without change. You've got  to let go of some old stuff. And that can be hurt. Often when I'm in the most pain, I realized it's coming from my trying to control everything or resisting the changes that come with the progress. But when you see the light, that beautiful next level and that's what you have to focus on. Surround yourself with those people who makes you laugh, who can see the essence in you and who loves you. 

If you are experiencing something similar, you would go far beyond this stage by allowing yourself to go through the process of infidelity. Things will get better and the feeling of suffering will eventually ease. It is important to feel the sadness. Old feelings of remorse, regret, hurt and anger often have to come in in order to be released. You will be a better person, capable of a happier life, who you are when you are no longer burdened by the buried feelings that weighed you down or the self-defeating patterns that the pain produced. 

Keep in mind that if you don't process the experience and allow the wound to truly heal, you will only endure the same suffering in some shape or form in the future. 

Endure the pain, enjoy the gain. 

Life Is Short

Life is short. You shouldn't waste it being sad. Be who you are. Be happy. Be free. Be whatever you want to be. 

Stop Comparing Where You're At

Stop comparing where you’re at with where everyone else is. It doesn’t move you farther ahead, improve your situation, or help you find peace. It just feeds your shame, fuels your feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately, it keeps you stuck. The reality is that there is no one correct path in life. Everyone has their own unique journey. A path that’s right for someone else won’t necessarily be a path that’s right for you. And that’s okay. Your journey isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad. It’s just different. Your life isn’t meant to look like anyone else’s because you aren’t like anyone else. You’re a person all your own with a unique set of goals, obstacles, dreams, and needs. So stop comparing, and start living. You may not have ended up where you intended to go. But trust, for once, that you have ended up where you needed to be. Trust that you are in the right place at the right time. Trust that your life is enough. Trust that you are enough. -Daniell Koepke

One Decade

It has been 10 years since I had started out working in Singapore. Back then in Ipoh, I worked for my dad and I had some odd part time jobs during school holiday. After graduated from secondary school, my choices are limited. I wasn't allowed to leave the town to further my studies. I'm also left with the choice of working in no other countries except Singapore. 

I remembered when I first decided went to Singapore to start on my career, it was a brave move. I have no goals in life and I do not have any future planning. I was't too sure where should I live, what job I should be looking for and I was kinda lost. 

I did some good scores in my SPM (O' Level). I refused to go the traditional way of spending 2 years in Form 6 (A' Level) and to carry on another 4 years in the local university which makes up the total of 6 years to complete a Degree. Having thought that could take me forever to obtain a degree, I've chosen the express way. I convinced my parents that I could complete much faster if I enroll into the private college. Without much thought, I hastily chosen the type of course which I'm not really keen of - Computer Studies. I couldn't care much because all I want was to complete my studies fast enough so I could start earning on my own. I've completed my Diploma in less than a year and I further myself to the Advanced. 

In just 2 1/2 years time, I'm left with only one module to complete my Advanced Diploma. I'm pretty sure that I made the right choice because I am still beyond my friends but I was wrong. I failed my final module (Java Programming). Not just once but I failed for thrice. I found myself struggling. 

At the same time, I couldn't deal with my dramatic relationship which had lead to my dramatic family issues. I had lost my focus and patience to carry on with my final module. I refused to face and overcome the mess that I've created. I am determined to leave Ipoh. I danced in joy when my best buddy Sabrina, asked me to join her trip to Singapore for job hunting. My chance is here. I wanted to leave. I dropped out of my college immediately without hesitation and left for Singapore. 

Although, I did not complete my Advanced Diploma, but I'm still awarded with a Diploma certificate. With my somewhat Diploma cert, I wasn't even too sure if I could even make use of it because I have zero intention to go into the IT industry. I've created a mindset that I could earn my first pile of gold in Singapore. I am more than ready to work my ass off. 

So I travelled to Singapore with SGD200 cash and a handheld travel bag. I put up in Sabrina's sister's place. I applied blindly for the jobs which was advertised on the papers and the web. I needed to secure a job quick enough because it's nearly impossible to survive on the cash that I have. I would take on any decent job even if it would mean being as a waitress. A week later, I found a job but it only lasted for 3 days because I don't quite like the idea of going door-to-door selling the company products. 

It took me not too long to secure another job in administrative. I moved out to share a room with my cousin sister and her boyfriend. Obviously this was ridiculously awkward. I couldn't afford renting a room on my own during that period so I have to be extra thick-skinned for that 3 months. Later on, I  moved to shared another room with some friends which became even more complicated and I got my cash stolen by my roommate. I started to live on my own thereafter.

I survived my first few months on bread loafs and canned food. I kept convincing myself that life wasn't that difficult because I didn't starved. There was a time where I attempted 4 century eggs at once because it was so dirt cheap and it cost me only a dollar plus for a meal. I suffered from food poisoning afterwards. I rejected century eggs intake forever since then. I learnt that living with parents it's the best choice because you will always be taken care of. I miss that each time when I fell sick. 

I earned less than a thousand dollar in my first job and I survived. I never like to stay constant in my job. I want to know how far I could go so I had career switch and I was given opportunity to take on something new. I'm now dealing with figures everyday. I'm still keeping up with my part time studies and in another few more years I'm sure I'll be able to provide much better for myself. I learnt that if I made more wiser choice 10 years ago, I would have ended up much higher in the corporate ladder but I never regretted the choice that I made because I realized it's never to late to make a change. 

In relationship wise, all I could say is my heart has been fooled before. I don't really care what would have been. Forgive and forget. I'm loving my single-hood and I'm having so much fun of it.

I'm living my life in moderation and keep trying to achieve my targets to realize my to-do lists. I've learnt that being rich in cash is nothing but being rich in the heart gives you everything. Life is that simple.

I now able to realize my dream to go on traveling with my friends and family. I've already been to 2 different countries in these 4 months! I hope to travel to each of the countries around the world in each year.

Ten years on, to stay or to leave Singapore? The hardest choice to make. This place leaves me with bittersweet memories. 

Can You Handle The Ugly Truth?

I really think that I should stop giving advice. It feels kinda awful when you know that you can't change certain thing. I'm glad when friends came to me and share with me with their issues. When they started to ask me what they should do, that's when I should take a step back. My advices is purely based on my own experiences and it's not proven that it will work on other people.

I often shared my life experiences with friends who practically lost their sense of direction at times. They often misunderstood that I literally tell them to do the exact as how I did in my past experiences. There comes the danger when I shared too much. I don't really care what others did because I only mind my business. What I dislike most is when I have to say, "I told you so". Immediately this four words made me feel so intelligent. If only I could foresee your future, I swear I will charge you by hour.

I'm just a normal human being. If you guys continue on asking me why is such and such is happening to you right now, I must be the God to have those answers. Most of our life experiences contributed to our maturity level and causes us to outgrown certain people. 

I do not have the answer to why certain situation happened to you. But, I do know for sure if you continue asking too much why(s), practically you are wasting your every second and minute. What's even worst? You kept rewinding the same process over and over again. How many 5 or 10 years can you still waste it away? 

If you don't really get what I've wrote above, fine. I'll be frank. I could really give you guys a very straight forward feedback if you really need my opinion so badly. I will not lie because I won't. Come to me if you don't mind getting a bitter taste of remarks from me. The best part is, the more bitter you feel of what others say about you, the more truth you will find out about yourself. Be blessed, because you know that is the ugly truth of who you really are. The truth is not always pleasant to the ears that is why they called it, "the ugly truth" isn't it?

What happens if you can't handle the ugly truth? So, you want only positive feedback which as good as lying forever to yourself and you are making others lying to you at the very same time. Denials. You are living in delusion. You can't accept negative comments. Yet you still want me to listen to your endless drama over and over again. Yes, I am willing to listen to those. But seriously, repetitively for the millionth time? Oh well, gone case. My mum taught me not to comment so much if I can't say good things to people. Period.