Happy Valentine's

To be loved is to allow your heart to be vulnerable. 

2013

On this very last night of 2013, I am here blogging and recalling how far I've become throughout the journey of self-rediscovery and life has gotten me such much excitements this year. I'm falling in love, again. Just that this time, I fell so in love with MYSELF.

All these while, I never like giving suggestions or bring out my ideas of doing things. Simply because I don't like to kill my brain cells to think too much and I am afraid of rejections. I always classified myself as a follower and I finally decided that I am done being just a follower. 

I always wanted to do something different than the usual with my family and I did it. I managed to brought them to the places they never been.Being as a Malaysian for so long, I only had my first visit to the Gua Tempurung earlier this year with my family.

I am glad that I had cure my acne skin although having no monetary return on this investments but it's all really worth my every penny.

All the while, I was never in the limelight whenever I went to the company events. Earlier this year, I was being nominated best dress for Retro theme in my company's Dinner & Dance and close to winning the best dress. I didn't won it.

I've been saying yes to most invitations and I am more open up to what life has offered me whether it's good or bad. I'm beginning to love the trills in life that gave me adrenaline rush most of the time. 

I took the roller coasters with my eyes wide open for the first time. I had it my little sister at the Universal Studios of Singapore. We had so much fun together. 

I actually joined the Hello Kitties craze at the McDonalds. This was never me before.

I had my vacation to Taiwan with a group of girlfriends. It feel so good to be able to travel again after my previous vacation to Hong Kong in year 2007.

Witnessed the sunrise as early as 5 a.m. at Ching Jing mountains.

I love how Taiwan people build their houses on the mountains.

I immediately fell in love with Ching Jing the moment I arrived here. Amazed by their beautiful scenery with the blue blue sky.

I noticed Taiwan do have certain places that carried similarities of those in the western countries. It looks like I've been to San Francisco.

I enjoyed and appreciate every moment of bonding time with my family for I don't really get to see them everyday. I have the intention of traveling to every little part of Malaysia with them. I love traveling on road trips. We visited the Taiping Zoo.

I had my second vacation for the year to Bangkok. This time I brought my parents together. Seeing my parents in their happy moments and I am contented. 

We had our first overseas vacation together. We are planning for more next!

I won the best costumes for the first time in my company's recently Dinner & Dance for Oceanic theme. I was a jelly fish by the way.

This year was wonderful and I can't wait for what's next. Goodbye 2013.

Welcome year 2014! Happy New Year!

The Process of Infidelity

Around this time 2 years ago, I was with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. I was married to this man for 3 years. I remember I was so thankful for the love that I had. I gave all my all faith to my partner and loved him with every ounce of my heart and soul. And so I thought, he was The One. 

We had our wedding reception 2 years after we were married. Just weeks before our wedding reception, my partner made a poor and destructive decisions that breaks everything we had into pieces. He cheated on me with his coworker. He lied to me on his secret meetings and blamed me for being paranoid. It was a blurry lies and followed by a painful slow discovery that the person I admired and adored, wasn't the same person that I knew. 

Of all my previous postings, I purposely didn't mention the reasons I annulled my marriage because I needed some time to heal and to process my feelings before publishing this post. Neither would I want to make this seem like I'm doing it for a revenge. It has taken me a lot of courage to share this personal experience with you because I felt shamed on what happened. 

Yes, all of us knew everyone makes mistakes. It is not the mistakes that defines a person's character but the matter of how they react to it. Somehow, I hoped he would redeem himself. That he would be accountable for his actions, work for my forgiveness and try whatever he could to make things right. I hung on to the faith that he would step up be the man that I thought he was. But, he didn't. That was the most disappointing part of all. 

I was still living with him for the next 6 months after I found out he cheated on me. My health was deteriorated and I had lost 5 kilograms in matter of weeks. I experienced my first panic attack. In that period of depression, I was in such ultimate low where I was not rational nor I could see the end of my suffering. My mind was filled with destructive thoughts. It felt as the world had collapsed.

Regardless of the support from friends and family, I still felt terribly alone. To have your heart breached and wounded feels like there is dark clouds of misery which follows everywhere you go. It's still with you no matter how hard you try to distract yourself. Even in your sleep, you cannot escape and it haunts you in the form of nightmares. You feel trapped because there is nothing you could do to make it go away. During this time, I reached out to him for help. In his own pain, he didn't know how to handle me. Instead of responding with compassion and care, he had ignored me and I felt like an inconvenient bother. I watched the man that I loved, I shared deep secrets and sacred moments with, treated me like I was nothing to him. As if one day I was the world to him and the next, I was simply irrelevant. 

Two years aftermath, I have worked very hard to pick up every little pieces of me. Turning my pain into inspiration to be stronger, smarter and wiser. I've come to an understanding that pain is only a temporary feeling. It's just like the feeling of hunger. When you feed, that feeling will be gone. There goes the same with pain. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and it is okay to break down and cry. You will begin to realize that moment of pain soon will be gone. 

I would still allow myself to feel whereby in the moments of sadness, confusion and anger creep upon me, I would break down in tears. These tears go way beyond the experience of betrayal and it stem down inside of me. That makes me wonder if I will ever be worthy of love from a man. 

Perhaps he wasn't capable of showing me the care I expected. Perhaps I was such an emotional wreck at that time that he felt any efforts would be futile. Perhaps he had lost all hope and cutting me off was the only solution he knew how to deal with the situation. Perhaps I lived in denials during our relationship and I lived in a fantasy I created in my own head. I don't wish to paint him as bad person. Sure he is someone who did something bad but deep down in my heart, I knew his intention was not to hurt me. What has happened came from an unhealthy choice of mine and I have to take accountability to the fact that I attracted to him to my life in the very first place. 

I have no idea how he felt, what he thought or how he handle his pain and shame. I was one of the few people he let in his life and I'm sure it wasn't easy for him either. I'm pretty sure there are some deep-rooted issues of his own which caused him to make the decision he did. Although I am the one who was betrayed, there is a different sort of pain he has to dealt with - guilt. I'm not sure which is worse but likely that both are awful to experience and I doubt he would have the courage to share his part of story.

Feeling betrayed, is a dark place that could control your thoughts and behavior. In the process of dealing with the pain, I dehumanized him. I lost compassion and I forgot that his actions came from a place of his own darkness. I dismissed that he was trying his best to cope as he knew how. All the great memories, the times we laughed, the special moments have became blur in the bitterness. And that was shame, just because the ending was bad, it doesn't dilute the incredible moments we once shared and to look back only to see the bad ending was an unfortunate and a disservice to myself. 

The ego in me feels frustrated, two years later and I still feel the remnants of that heartbreak. Sometimes it comes in wave whereby I feel like I have made no progress at all. And sometimes I look and thankful that all this happened because I've grown so much from the experience. There are ups and downs, and I am proud to say there are more ups now. And slowly that real authentic love does exist is starting to return. 

It would be a lie to say I don't miss him. I am reminded of him often, from the food I eat, the places I visit, I pictured him there. Behind the anger, the hurt, the betrayal, there is still love and care that remains. That love will eventually fade, just like memories will and one day, so will the pain. I never felt him so alive and yet so dead at the same time. As if you are mourning for the dead because he wasn't available to me since then. That is how I classified the infidelity pain would be. 

When you feel pain and suffering, it is difficult to see the light or the how the experience fits into the bigger picture of things. Hitting such a low was not an easy feat, however I feel as if it helped me mature. I am healthier both physically and spiritually than I have ever been in my life and there's a lot of positive momentum in my career and self-growth. On and off, I've given myself permission to be vulnerable and have allowed myself to process the plethora of emotions and old wounds that were triggered from the event. 

I recalled some of darkest moments after I found out he cheated on me. I felt like I was completely broken and I wanted him to fix me. Now, I realized I wasn't broken. I was just wounded. And those wound, though gentle care, eventually heal. I look back and think about that little girl, sobbing as if it was the end of world. I know now, the world was not ending, rather, it just had to hit a low in order for it get a lot better. And I did. 

These struggles which I experienced, I see it as an opportunity to heal and to grow. There is no growth without change. You've got  to let go of some old stuff. And that can be hurt. Often when I'm in the most pain, I realized it's coming from my trying to control everything or resisting the changes that come with the progress. But when you see the light, that beautiful next level and that's what you have to focus on. Surround yourself with those people who makes you laugh, who can see the essence in you and who loves you. 

If you are experiencing something similar, you would go far beyond this stage by allowing yourself to go through the process of infidelity. Things will get better and the feeling of suffering will eventually ease. It is important to feel the sadness. Old feelings of remorse, regret, hurt and anger often have to come in in order to be released. You will be a better person, capable of a happier life, who you are when you are no longer burdened by the buried feelings that weighed you down or the self-defeating patterns that the pain produced. 

Keep in mind that if you don't process the experience and allow the wound to truly heal, you will only endure the same suffering in some shape or form in the future. 

Endure the pain, enjoy the gain. 

Post Trauma Aftermath

For a millionth time, I'm really done asking myself, why me? Why me? This is real sickening. This question could lead to nowhere. I had been there and done that; but if you were to be given another chance to do the same thing again, would you take it? No doubts, mostly of you will. Who doesn't want a second chance? Do you know that second chance doesn't mean a happy ending. Sometimes it's just another shot to end things right. 

People start asking me, will I ever date again? I was stunt at first. Heck, this sounded more like, do you me to introduce some guys to you? Yes, it hurts still until today. It's so much of the feelings inside of me. How could I love again when I'm so afraid to fall? Sometimes you don't get closure, you just move on. 

First thing first, dating ain't my priority for now. This is the time to enjoy life to the fullest and to realize each of my dreams. I am a busy woman now and time is never enough for me. I allocated most of my time for my studies and spending leisures with my family, friends and non-stop challenge myself to find out what I'm capable of. I'm about to increase my trips of travelling and gonna leave my footprints on different places and countries. 

First half of the year had just flew by. It has been awesome. I can't wait for what lies ahead. Should there be people who tell you that you'll never pull through, you stand up and say, I can make it through the rain. 

I live life lively. 

Things I Hated Most Became Things that I Love Most

All my life, I swear that I never once like or I should say that I hated cats. Real cats, toys, figurines and enough said on anything that is associated with cats.  Cats are my enemy and so yes, I categorized the stuffs that I hated. Nevertheless, the most well-known "Hello Kitty" the cat. Looking at the sight of it, really making me sick. 

Today, I am not the Ellie Lam that you used to know. I started to look at the cats from a different angle and somehow I find myself started to love the things that I hated most. Now onwards, I collected the most recent kitties from McDonalds for SGD4.60 each with every value meal. This batch of kitties really blew my away. The colors of their suits that wrapped around the kitties flat-face head can transformed them into something that look so cute.

These are my first ever soft toys collection. Minus the Wizard and Singing Bones kitties. I didn't get to collect the whole set. The Hello Kitty craze is getting more and more absurd each week. Now that the craze has finally over today, none of you should be asking me for McDonalds again for the next few months. No, I'm not selling my collection away. Don't you dare to think about that!

2012

Today is the last day of Year 2012. This year, I had been to the lowest point of my life. It had polished me to become someone who I had never thought that I'll be today.

October 2011, infidelity saddened me and my marriage didn't get to survive it but, I survived. The Taiwanese drama《犀利人妻》reminisced (at least 80%) every detail of what I had gone through. I had lost six months of battle to infidelity and I'll never forget what for it had taught me. I did not let myself suffer any longer. I have chosen to give up my marriage when there is no hope left in him. This year, I have restored my status of being single again.

In the moment where I had too much to lost, I gained closer relationship with my family and friends. I thanked each of them for being very supportive throughout the most destructive period of mine when I really need them to be there. They are the best of mine and I am thankful to be surrounded by good-hearted people who are watching and guarding over me. I love all of you. 

I switched to a new job. Happy and doing very well for the time being.   

I have also completed my CAT course.

There are a lot things made more sense to me. I begin to see things from different perspective in life and simply smile through it when nothing ever goes my way. No mountain too high for me to climb. All I need is just some climbing faith. No river too wide for me to make it across. I had made it this far today. 

There's a rainbow for every teardrop. All I need is time. 

With this passing year, all these shall be past tense. All the unhappiness will be buried away.  

I welcome 2013. Happy New Year!

I've Learned...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't give a shit about it. 

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you wanted them to be, it doesn't mean that they don't love with all they have. 

I've learned that it took years to build up trust and only seconds to destroy it. 

I've learned that it's a lot easier to react rather than it is to think. 

I've learned that you control your attitude or it controls you. 

I've learned to forgive and it takes practice. 

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but they do not know how to show it.

I've learned that I have the right to be angry but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel. 

I've learned that true friendship continue to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. 

I've learned that it isn't enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. 

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever. 

I've learned that those who are honest with themselves, gets farther in life. 

I've learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. 

I've learned that people you care most in life, taken away from you too soon. 

Worthy Of My Love

On this season's greeting, I wish that Santa could find me someone who is worthy of my love. 

I believe that you are not far from me, and understands my need. We will come together in the anticipation as the way the lover do. Sure, we will experienced the good and bad day but we will find the ability in ourselves to share and show concern. It will not be on the face value concern, it will be the concern on the commitment and respect. Respect for who we are and respect for who we will become.

Every emotion and disappointing event, we could not change that. Yet, we can still choose what we think today.  I do not wish to be alone and, I do not wish to be without love. Love fills my heart with the desire to do good. It shows me how man and woman are compatible and enjoyable. We do not need to be told the mystery of life. We are the mystery of life. Passion and confession are the only way to peace of mind. I do not find joy in listening to my thoughts all the time. I wish to share them with someone that I trust no matter what I may think.

Am I crazy to speak so freely on my conviction that love will overcome any disappointment if we embrace it? 

Those door that people close when they are sad, should not stay that way forever. I am open today and my heart sings! All I want for Christmas is YOU!

The One That Everyone Needs

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you've never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you said and actually wanting to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you.

When something wonderful happens, you can't wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealously or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are.

The things that seem significant to most people such as a note, a song or a walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it's like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn't exist at all.

A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day's work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there's no need for continuous conversation, but you find you're quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you.

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there's a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that's so real that it scares you.

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are part of your life.

Yes. I do need that someone.

Love All Over Again

I am just a woman. I too, will break down and cry for relief at times. I am not blaming life for giving me lemons. I am just what I am. 

I just feel tired. Very tired. But I must keep on moving forward. The clock is tickling fast. 

These are just setbacks. I just need to get up and run. Life is on my own. 

What lies ahead will always be a mystery. Be daring to explore. 

I stopped asking God, why is this happening to me? Why things happen will never be certain. Take it stride and move forward. 

I regret nothing in my life even if my past was full of hurt. I still look back and smile because it made me who I am today. 

I've known defeat, known suffering, known loss, known struggle and have found my way out of the depths. I've found appreciation, sensitivity and understanding of life in me. 

Someday, I will forget the hurt, the reason I cried and who caused me pain. I realize the secret of being FREE is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life which shows how well we ran the race. So smile, laugh, forgive, believe and LOVE all over again. 

Bittersweet Memories

If I stay, I will only be in your way. I am not what you need. So, goodbye. 

I hope that life will treat you kind enough. I hope you have all that you had dreamt of. My wish to you, joy and happiness. 

Bittersweet memories. That's all I'm taking with me. 

Above all, I wish you love. 

I Can

When I found myself staring blankly, I asked myself, what's holding me back? Why am I giving so much limitations to myself? Why "what if(s)"? Are these good or bad? I do not have an answer to that but I had given a long thought over it. 

My destiny cannot be changed. I will not surrendered when life gives me lemons. I believe, everything happens for a reason. People changed, so I can learn to let go. I believe lies so I can eventually learn to trust no one but myself. Things go wrong so I can appreciate them when they are right. And sometimes, good things fall apart so better things can fall together. 

I choose to enjoy my ride on a roller coaster. Now, I can start telling myself; 

Forget about what-if(s)

Eliminate over-thinking

I can be happy

Take up more chances

Turn can't(s) into can(s) & dream(s) into plan(s)

Keep moving forward

My life is sweet and beautiful

Most importantly, there is always someone who loves me.

Mid Autumn Festival 2012

It's mid autumn festival today. Celebrated it at my niece's nanny's place last night. This year would be my ninth years in Singapore and could you believe that I never really went back to Ipoh to celebrate it with my parents? Moving forward, I hope I could spend each of the festive seasons with my family.

Last night, I felt the warmth which I had longed for during my days in Singapore. The warmth of the people that unite and celebrated the mid autumn festival. There was a lot of food prepared by the neighborhood people, children and adults playing with candles and lanterns. I felt like I'm back to those days which I had this celebration at my grandparents' place. I felt like I'm a child again. 

It brought back so much of my childhood memories when I held the lantern. Little things like this really could make you feel happy again. I miss my parents. 

I could not help but felt the urge of posting the above blurry photo of me because I want to remember this smile that I had once lost it. I've found it again :)

Here, I shall end this post by wishing everyone; Happy Mooncake Festival to my lovely family and friends!

My Besties' Wedding

Last weekend, I made a trip down to KL. Really could not remember when was my last trip to KL. This trip was planned on purpose. If it wasn't, seriously, I would not had made my trip down.

One of my bestie, finally got wedded to her man. She was the last one to get married among the four of us.

 Alicia, Mandy, Sabrina and myself

How times really flies. Sabrina was the first to get married in year 2011 and had became a mummy since last 3 weeks ago.

 Sabrina and Normen

Then, followed by Alicia in the same year 2011.

Alicia and Henry

 And this year, was Mandy's turn.

Mandy and Dik Kun

I was there for each one of them except for Alicia's wedding. I gave my utmost help to them during their wedding. 

 At Sabrina's wedding

I even had the honor to be one of Mandy's bridesmaid last weekend.

It was fun. My first ever time officially to be dressed really like a bridesmaid! It was exciting.

Look! How fabulous all of them! I truly wish each of you for a happy and endless love of marriage. I love you all!

Just Stop and Walk Away

At certain point of time, you will feel absolutely better by doing nothing. All you gotta do, is to stop whatever you have been trying so hard. Leave them alone. Walk away.  It's not that you are giving up nor you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line of determination from desperation. What is yours will truly be yours and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be. 

What Are You?

Sometimes you have to get to know someone really well to realized you are really strangers...

Am Detached But Still a Survivor

Moving forward of almost a year of separation with Kenny, I realized that I don't really need a marriage on two and a half year ago. Yes, things were happier back then. I'm pretty sure that I wasn't really thinking much before I said "YES" on the proposal. 

I remembered that I was even in doubt before my ROM. Thought it would be some kind of cold feet that most people would have gone through just before their wedding. The impression was wrong. I wasn't ready for it and yet I did it. How cool was that huh. 

I would say, we hasn't really been through our worse before we got into marriage. Things get a little out of control when we were husband and wife for two and a half years. We couldn't handle each other at our worse. I wouldn't say that I wasn't at wrong but he wasn't at his right too. I was being blamed and indirectly became the victim of the consequences of his wrongdoings. It's okay. Life is still okay for me as it is now. I survived. 

I'm Proud of My Heart

A friend of mine shared something wonderful to me today.

I Am The Biggest Liar

Hey guys, how's everyone doing? Life has been treating me real good :)

I would like to share some news to everyone today. I've been keeping this news to myself since October 2011 and has been sharing it to out to each of my family members and friends. Year 2011 was a pretty bad year for me. That could be the reason why I had stopped blogging. My life turned it's back on me. Everything changes, too quickly.

I LIED. I lied to the whole world and I really feel very bad about it. I actually made everyone believed that I am happily married. I am not. I never was since the day I've been slapped by the truth and knowing that all these while I've been kissed with a lie.

Yes, I've been going through HELL and now, I'm back on my feet.

Sometimes, the best way to be happy is to learn to let go of things you tried hard to hold on to.

My forgiveness to him doesn't comes easy. But the peace that comes after is well worth the effort. Time does not heal wounds. Forgiving does.

Well, nothing really lasts forever. I think that's the easiest lesson we all learn in the hardest way don't we?

In search

Searching for samples of makeup photos for my bridal makeup artists :)