In Memoirs

Today in 1993, feels just like yesterday since you've been gone. Year 1993 seems so far behind but I do still miss you so much especially on this day. I wish you would be here to see on how far we've become and guess what? We have an addition to our family. You'd been an uncle to our fourth niece just two months ago. I would imagine our nieces would have so much fun running in the meadow with you.

I often found myself secretly look up to you and shared my stories with you at times when I could no longer have the strength and motivation to hold on to. I'm sorry if I did made you feel bored listening to my life setbacks.

Time flashing too fast and I'm chasing time everyday. I wish I could slow down but the society doesn't permit me. I've been on the right track 'cause I know that I am no longer having the urge to look backward. I am certain of what I want and what I will be getting in life. My past does not dictate who I am today. I let it go and sail with the flow of waves. 

Everyday, I would try to laugh or smile on at least one thing that I've did. There's a saying, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions". Over the past decades, I finally understood on how happiness could be achieved just by the very little own choice that one could make. And of course, I choose to be happy on everyday. 

Happiness is enjoying all the small things while chasing after the big ones in which I did so. I would slow down my walking speed and observe the things around me and appreciate it beautifully with a smile.  

I learnt to put myself ahead of everyone else. I have to love myself first. Self-loving isn't a selfish thing. I am no longer the Ellie from the past. My second life starts now. Nothing is worth more than today.

Losing Everything Can Give You Even More

I've lived,

I've loved,

I've trusted,

I've been lost,

I've been hurt, and

I've made mistakes.

But, I've learned. 

In my late 20s, I may have lost it all but I never lose my strength to stand up again. When infidelity hits me, it hit me hard. I left my ex-husband after I got "fired" by him. It was a wrong fit from the beginning but I ignored the warning signs. My pride and ego wanted me to show everyone how blissfully married I was. The day I was told that I no longer needed, my instant reaction was relief. I wasn't going have to wake up the next day to carry the duty as a wife when there isn't any presence of appreciation. 

Then, I panicked. 

How am I going to survive this? Who would find out? Was I a failure? How am I going to tell my family? How would people look at me? 

In my darkness period, I strived to focus on the light. I spent months thinking where I wanted to go and who I wanted to be. I was surprised that I really liked myself when I am on my own. 

Since then, my life has gone into a journey of self discovery. I started writing and pay more attention to myself. In turn, I get to know myself better by projecting my feelings from time to time. Writing started a chain reaction of self reflection. When you write about yourself, you tend to focus on issues you may otherwise ignore. I becoming more honest to myself and to others. 

I never really like being unhappy for too long. Nothing can stop me from being happy. Happiness is what matter most. Do what you have to do in order to feel happy.

It is okay to ask for help. 

My family has been there for me and they are the only one who accepts me wholeheartedly, at least forever. 

I have superb friends who constantly checking on me just to make sure that I am doing okay. 

There are strangers who always greet me with their smiles each morning when I walk across that road. 

Some really old friends found me and we are in close contact. 

How not to love these people?

I am, what I think I am. I dare to realize my dreams. I think positively of myself and I accomplished more than what I'd imagined that was impossible.